Fire on Fridays: A Guide to Proper NASCAR Fighting Etiquette

Over the course of the last two NASCAR race weekends, there have been three fights.

That has got to be some kind of record, as I can’t remember the last time a fight happened back-to-back weeks, let alone three in two weeks. The first, of course, was the one that became a viral moment for the NASCAR Cup Series: Ryan Blaney vs. Carson Hocevar two weeks ago at Bristol Motor Speedway.

Last weekend, two more incidents occurred at Martinsville Speedway’s ValleyStar Credit Union 300, one of the biggest late-model races on the calendar. After the heat races, Chase Burrow and Brad Housewright went at it, leaving Housewright bloodied. Then, after the feature, Corey Heim was essentially jumped by Chad Bryant Racing at the famous hot-dog stand after Heim and CBR driver Treyten Lapcevich made contact on the cool-down lap.

Blaney vs. Hocevar was the closest of the three to doing things right, while Heim vs. CBR was the clearest example of what not to do in a post-race fight. Still, none of the three fights were flawless in execution, so here’s a guide for both drivers and teams on how to navigate NASCAR fights going forward.

The first and most important step if you’re a driver feeling the urge to fight another driver is to make sure you were actually wronged by the latter. You’ll look silly if you confront someone only to later find out you were indeed the driver in the wrong. If you’re crashed out, the pit reporter who comes to interview you at the infield care center may have their monitor showing you the replay of the wreck.

Now, if you finished the race, a replay may be hard to come by on pit road. In that situation, ask your spotter and/or crew chief what happened. Spotters and crew chiefs, be honest with your driver if it was their fault. With that extra perspective, if you still feel obliged to throw hands with the driver who wronged you, you may proceed to step two.

The next step is for the challenger to approach their opponent in a gentlemanly manner and offer up a bout of fisticuffs with a properly timed swear word or insult. If willing to engage in the aforementioned duel of fists, the opponent may accept the contest by giving the challenger a light-to-moderate shove in the torso while hurling a response insult or swear word.

Upon a mutual understanding of what is about to take place, the two may engage in combat. It is not required, but the two rage-filled drivers will receive extra credit should they walk together to the start/finish line before having it out so that all of the fans get a little more bang for their buck.

There are a few unwritten rules each driver must follow in combat. First off, both must remove their helmets. Failure to do so will result in fans labeling the offender as a wimp or something much worse. Secondly, this is a war of fists — kicking, scratching and WWE-style bodyslams will not be permitted and will result in an immediate stoppage of the fight.

I almost included biting in that list, but how awesome would it be if one driver bit another? Mike Tyson certainly made it look cool.

Drivers must use their fists, although headbutts are welcome, too. Tackling is allowed, but know that once either one of the warring drivers hits the ground, the fight is over.

Crew members, as you watch the two drivers swing at each other, you will feel compelled to grab the driver who isn’t on your team from behind and slam them backward into the ground as hard as humanly possible. The urge inside you will be telling you to throw that driver down so hard that it leaves a hole in the pavement. Do NOT act on this instinct, as you are twice the size of any NASCAR driver and could seriously injure them.

In fact, do not touch either driver at all until one hits the ground or violates one of the rules mentioned above. Only then should your involvement be to pull your driver out of it. However, if you see a crew member from another team who is looking to fight as well, then you may engage, following all of the fight rules mentioned above.

NASCAR security, let the drivers fight. The current method of letting each driver have one move simply means that one driver will get shoved once while the other gets punched once — that’s not a fair tradeoff. What ends up happening is the instigating driver will get grabbed by security following the initial shove and have their arms held back while their rival is free to swing unlimited times on their face. Instead, let the two gladiators have at until one falls to the ground or performs a dirty move.

Upon the fight’s completion, the two drivers shall be separated and pulled back to their teams, where they will be given a minute to cool down before walking over to the media awaiting them. Unless they need medical attention. Then, of course, go get patched up at the infield care center.

Once in front of the herd of reporters pushing and elbowing their own way to the front of the scrum, the drivers should give honest and raw responses about the opponent they just battled before signing some autographs for fans and heading home.

The etiquette for a proper NASCAR fight may have many steps, but those steps are fairly simple to follow. If followed correctly, NASCAR should fine or penalize nobody involved. And if executed properly, the fights will go viral, NASCAR will have footage for promos, media will have stories that will elevate the sport to more eyes, more viewers will tune in and even more fans will be clamoring to buy tickets to the races.

There are no losers involved, except for maybe the drivers’ good looks at the races that follow.