We’ve all been inundated with articles and stories this week about how Kurt Busch is down to his final two bullets, like John McClane at the end of Die Hard. On Tuesday next week, he will find out his fate if he still has a ride with James Finch in the No. 51 car. Finch has said that Busch’s behavior is making it impossible to find a sponsor for his car. Surely, there has to be a few out there that would be fitting for the hot tempered driver with a quick wit and penchant for profanity. Here are some that might want to step up to the plate:
Paxil – Look out Goody’s! Although prescribed for Social Anxiety Disorder (i.e., SAD), it might also be used to treat MAD (Many Automobiles Destroyed) in Busch’s case. Leading the series in wrecked racecars – 14 to date – Finch might need to pop a few of these too while they’re it and mellow out. Come to think of it, maybe Busch has had too many Monsters. Since he’s suspended, I say just make the most of it. Take a couple of these, put on Dark Side, play some Madden and just ride the dragon.
Rosetta Stone – Having worked in a rather large four-star hotel when I was going to college, I met a lot of people my age who emigrated from other countries. The first thing they learn to do upon moving here is how to swear – albeit poorly. Learn from the best with this three-CD set, as Sprint Cup champion Kurt Busch works in obscenities the way Picasso worked in oils.
5-hour Energy – Mainly just so I don’t have to see Clint Bowyer forcing me to “get stuff done” every 20 minutes.
Lifebuoy Soap – Hey, it worked for Ralphie in A Christmas Story. It might be just what he needs to quit f***ing swearing so God****ed much. If not, slide an Ovaltine through the window on the next pit stop.
Preparation H – At first thought, one might not think this would work since Kurt is generally regarded as being a perfect asshole. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and one last chance; like a hemorrhoid, he’s a real pain in the ass, but we probably don’t need him cut out and removed either.
I have also nearly completed mapping out how Kurt Busch and Mel Gibson’s career paths have mirrored and now intersected each other, much like Venus passing between the Earth and the Sun this week. If there is enough reader interest for this, I will post it next week.
Once place Busch won’t be this weekend is Pocono, as his suspension prevents him from going to the track and participating in even Wednesday’s test of the new pavement. Mark Martin led the opening day’s session with a speed of 175.380 mph – over three mph faster than the pole speed here last August.
A large increase in speed at a track that the few trips here has provided Kurt Busch vs. Jimmie Johnson, Joey Logano vs. Kevin Harvick and Elliott Sadler vs. a dirt wall. In the past we’ve seen deer wandering around, a caution flag for a woodchuck, jackalopes and a guy literally running across the track in the middle of a green-flag run.
Dale Earnhardt’s team stopped at the start-finish line in an emotional tribute to Davey Allison following his death in 1993. The Intimidator had the tables turned on him here in 2000 when Jeremy Mayfield was a speed freak of another nature. Tim Richmond won here in his remarkable but brief comeback after contracting AIDS in 1987. Heck, they even used to run Indy cars here; why not bring them back too and make a weekend out of it since it’s been repaved?
All of this reminiscing got me to thinking. Why do people complain about Pocono again? From what I can tell, it’s a pretty awesome racetrack that has produced some of our most memorable and poignant moments in modern NASCAR history. Its kind of a shame they shortened it by 100 miles.
Wait. No, its not. That took forever. Now it’s faster, shorter and we get to the good stuff an hour sooner.
About the author
Vito is one of the longest-tenured writers at Frontstretch, joining the staff in 2007. With his column Voice of Vito (monthly, Fridays) he’s a contributor to several other outlets, including Athlon Sports and Popular Speed in addition to making radio appearances. He forever has a soft-spot in his heart for old Mopars and presumably oil-soaked cardboard in his garage.
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