10. Employ the tactics Elwood used to sidetrack the Good Ole Boys in The Blues Brothers: “This is glue. Strong stuff.”
8. Give Jimmie a box of Kobalt Tools and point out all the broken stuff around the track.
7. Change Rick Hendrick’s calendar to the year 2014, so he goes in the office, looks and thinks it’s time to give the “A” equipment to someone else. His master plan for Johnson to win eight straight would have been already achieved.
6. Borrow a Chevy from Inception Motorsports, rewrap as the No. 48, and park in Johnson’s garage stall. (Note to perpetrator: Give David Stremme the real No. 48 at your own risk. He may be in range to take out the guys you want to beat Johnson, plus your own car in the parking lot for that matter instead of the other backmarkers he usually gets)
5. Tell Johnson he can’t start the race until he finds the missing “key to the pit box.”
4. Actually dock Johnson for speeding on pit road instead of ignoring the big red light that goes on in the NASCAR tower each week.
3. Tell Johnson’s pilot in midair the season finale has been relocated to Fontana for a four-day “celebration” of the title for his 50 biggest (and only) fans.
2. Lock Chad Knaus in Porta Potty during mid-race “pit stop.”
1. Chain the No. 48 to the No. 88.
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