10. How to keep police from charging when you have a little “drunk driving” incident you’d like to sweep under the rug. If Michael Waltrip can write a book….
9. Directions for programming his new VCR. Betamax just wasn’t cutting it.
8. Explain to his staff that when he holds up two fingers, someone needs to take him poopy.
7. Revamp Connecticut’s penalties for public indecency and disorderly conduct so it is easier to get ESPN cronies out of trouble.
6. One and one and one is three. He’s got to be good looking ‘cause he’s so hard to see.
5. His divorce court records. (Thanks, Judge!)
4. Has instructed all network announcers to explain how the cars go straight for a while, then turn left and eventually come back and do it all again.
3. Has decided to buy the Rosetta Stone English program so we might figure out what he is saying after all.
2. How toilet paper works.
1. Just exactly where the damn ice, rum and coke is at all times!!!!
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