10. Secure sponsorship for various cars from the Crips, Bloods and other notorious gangs.
9. Help NASCAR’s diversity endeavor by replacing regular pit crews with said gang members.
8. Have the boys of the FreeCreditReport.com band as the featured entertainment.
7. Issue each driver a 9mm and allow “drive-bys.”
6. Unbeknownst to the drivers, replace their spotters with boys from the hood.
5. Tell illegals that there is a better life on the other side of the track. Call it the “Frogger 500.”
4. Have retired Sheriff John Bunnell do the entire race broadcast.
3. Host the first annual Gopher BBQ Cook-Off.
2. Combine the Oscars and the race. Put nominees for each category in a racecar and run short shootout races all day. The winner of each segment wins the Oscar!
1. Do a reverse blackout. Make it available on TV only in Southern California. The rest of us will wait for tomorrow’s sports page.