As I scanned the off the beaten path news releases this week, you know, the ones that only grouchy curmudgeons like myself will take the time to read, I was struck by exciting news coming from three different tracks that is sure to make you, the average race fan, want to run right out and buy those tickets!
The breaking news from possibly the greatest track of all time, Chicagoland Speedway, was of such magnitude that it, ironically, almost made my heart skip a beat! You better sit down for this if you are not already… Janssen Pharmaceuticals, Inc., has been named the title sponsor for the first race of the 2014 Chase to the last race… or whatever it is called nowadays.
That’s right, the official cardiovascular partner of NASCAR, is going to regale us with the MyAFibStory.com 400! And I bet you didn’t even know NASCAR had an ‘official cardiovascular partner’! Well they do and in case you missed a commercial about it all, AFib stands for ‘atrial fibrillation’, or as we say on the street, an irregular heartbeat that affects as many as 2.7 million Americans! Sorry, no mention if that number includes illegal aliens, or as we say on the street, ….uh, nevermind what we say on the street… anyway, seeing as how Brian France claims a fan base of over 75 million, you can see why it is so important that NASCAR even have an ‘official cardiovascular partner’! AFib increases a person’s risk of stroke by five times, so make sure you check with your doctor to see if your heart is healthy enough for NASCAR and seek immediate psychiatric attention if you attend a race at Chicagoland Speedway for more than four hours. With a name like MyAFibStory.com 400, I’m sure that this is a race you will not want to miss and will remember for the rest of your life!
Oddly enough, in what I can only see as a connection of outright concern for the fans, the rich ones anyway, Atlanta Motor Speedway has announced that it is going to make its racing experience a lot more ‘relaxing’ by adding a ‘Spotter Bar’ and a ‘Hot Pit Paddock’ to its corporate suite, as they say down in these parts, “corporate soot”, amenities!
The Spotter Bar is located on the suite level of Atlanta Motor Speedway and features sleek granite accents, high-top tables and a relaxing environment! Soot holders will be able to enjoy the latest in premium beers, cocktails and wine all the while listening to the soothing chatter of team communications throughout the race. Each corporate soot will receive a minimum of two passes to the ‘Hot Pit Paddock’, a place usually only reserved for team members or, in other words, a place where you won’t see much of the actual race, that are transferable among the soot patrons.
Thank Bob (Bob being a generic deity virtually guaranteed not to offend anyone), NASCAR is doing all it can to make a race more ‘relaxing’ (their word, not mine!) and not be a ‘on the edge of your seat’ affair, thereby insuring your risk for AFib is at a minimum!
Then of course there is the ongoing $400 million makeover of Brian France Fantasy Land, also known as Daytona International Speedway.
NASCAR deemed it worthy to note that, now the season of racing is over for the ‘American icon’, the track will be far from quiet! Highlights for the month of August include (but are not limited to), an increase of construction workers from 600 to 850, the removal of 30,000 worthless seats so you won’t have to see them on TV anymore, continued installation of escalators at West and East ends of the project, ongoing masonry near main IT room and loading dock support areas, ongoing steel installation and last but not least, continued installation of new lights on the West end of the project, which is good because we all know how dark the west end can get!
When all is said and done, entrances will be renamed ‘injectors’ that will transport fans to three different concourse levels. Each level will have spacious social areas known as ‘neighborhoods’ along the frontstretch, neighborhoods that will presumably be, well lit! But wait! There’s more! Not only will there be TWICE as many bathrooms but there will be THREE TIMES more concessions! With all those concessions, you may be concerned about some weight gain but fret not ye nacho gobbling ‘neighbor’, for the remaining approximately 101,000 permanent seats are wider and more comfortable for your phat ass to more easily fit into!
So get out there, attend those races and most of all, know that NASCAR has got your back and their first concern is you!
Stay off the wall, (lest ye be on a DFib!)