Friday , July 25 2014
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Voices From The Cheap Seats: Advertising For Dummies

Since we are on an off week and there is little to no real NASCAR news, other than maybe Brad Keselowski’s almost tearful revelation at how utterly heartbroken and betrayed he felt by Rick Hendrick in 2010, I want to talk about commercials.

Yes, they are an evil that we all have to live with and that will never change. Thankfully, with modern technology, if you can exercise self-control but still want to watch the race, you can always hit the pause button for about a half-hour and thenstart watching the race, thereby giving you the opportunity to fast forward through them and thus achieving a pleasant NASCAR experience. Or, as is more often the case, just record the whole damn thing and hit the highlights at your leisure. Whatever you do, you will inevitably see some — but such is life.

Now, I will be the first to admit that some commercials are funny and are entertaining to watch the first five times or so. It is the other 99 percent that really piss me off, not just the playing of the same one over and over again but also the content. I absolutely abhor an advertisement that insults my intelligence.

Take Viagra, for example (No, don’t really TAKE it, not until you’ve finished reading this anyway!) We’ve all seen the rancher driving his old Dodge pickup, pulling his horse trailer, and we’ve watched him drive into the same mud puddle time and time again. I mean, first of all, it’s a wide, flat area and he could have easily gone off road a bit and drove around it; but no, let’s go through it! Hey, he’s got four-wheel drive after all but no, he gets stuck… again!

So, what does this man do? The man that is supposedly now at the age to know what he wants and is prepared to handle it, or however the damn storyline goes. He steps on the gas, clearly showing us his back tires spinning — that’s right, just the rear tires — spinning in the mud! Crap! Now he’s really stuck! But wait! He’s got an idea… why don’t I get out of the mud, hitch the horses up to the front of the truck and pull myself out? Brilliant! Apparently. it never crossed his mind to put the truck IN 4-LOW AND DRIVE IT OUT!

Another Viagra bit features a middle-aged gentleman taking his nice ’69 Camaro for a leisurely drive when suddenly, he pulls over, buys a liter of water and pours it in the radiator for no apparent reason. No mention of a leak, a broken hose, a loose clamp, nothing! Now, I ask you: Don’t you think this guy, again supposedly wise and worldly, would know if his vintage dream car was low on coolant, or at least check it, before heading out? I hate being insulted! At least the dumbest thing Cialis does is show two lovers in two separate tubs holding hands! (You do understand that they should be in the same tub, right?)

Another one that really burns my butt is the little car that jumps onto the top of the commuter train and then off again near its destination. No, it’s not the fact that they make a big deal out of a woman driving but rather the little subtitles informing me that, in reality, cars can’t really jump onto trains! (Or fly or drive underwater from Italy to America!)

And why, when you are trying to sell me something that, while it may be useful, it is made ultra cheaply, do you have to make the stupid commercial into a rhyme? Or why do you have the stupidest person on the planet trying to put ten pounds of something into a five-pound container and then try and put the lid on? Or every time you open the cupboard, 57 different dishes come tumbling out? Don’t you think that is only going to happen once, if that?!

While we’re at it, here’s a novel idea: if you want to give me two of something for the price of one, just because you are so wonderful (and you’ve got a ton of them still to sell), just give me two! Don’t insult me with the quick little “just pay additional processing and handling!” I’ll tell you what right now, if I am so stupid as to fall for that, you damn well better send it in an additional box!

Finally, how believable is an actor portraying a doctor, trying to sell you something vital to your health? You gonna buy that?! I’m supposed to believe just because the actor is acting like a doctor?

I could go on and on but it would require additional thought and typing. Before I go, however, seeing as how we are talking about having our intelligence insulted, try this one on for size, in part from NASCAR.com.

France, NASCAR earn Cynopsis Sports Awards: NASCAR Chairman and CEO Brian France and NASCAR Fuel for Business were honored at the Cynopsis Sports Awards Thursday at the Yale Club in New York City. NASCAR Sprint Cup Series team owner Rick Hendrick presented France with the Vision Award, which recognizes the executive of the year from a sports league or organization who has demonstrated innovation and transformed an industry. “With all the stakeholders involved in our sport, it takes a leader who is willing to stand tall,” Hendrick said. “Brian has revolutionized the sport of NASCAR, working with the entire NASCAR industry — the teams, tracks and sponsors.”

Accepting the award, France said, “One thing that is never lost on me at these types of sports industry gatherings is how lucky we all are to be working in an industry that evokes so much passion from people across the world.”

Again…

“…which recognizes the executive of the year from a sports league or organization who has demonstrated innovation and transformed an industry.”

Really? I think I’ll go back to watching commercials!

Stay off the wall (and put that credit card away!),

Jeff Meyer

About Jeff Meyer

Jeff Meyer
Jeff is the longest-tenured staffer at Frontstretch, starting his second decade as the resident humorist and pain-in-the-butt that keeps NASCAR (and his fellow co-workers) honest. Writing Voices From The Cheap Seats, every Tuesday, his BSNews! Segments along with alter ego “Stu Padasso” have developed a large following. Jeff makes his home in Tennessee and is a Bristol groupie, camping out for the August night race every year since he can remember.